Last week I went on a four day retreat and at the last minute I decided to take my partner with me. I told him he wasn’t meant to be there and that I had to keep him out of sight, locked away in my room. This didn’t deter him and he insisted that he come with me. Sadly, he passed away on the morning of Saturday 16 March, the third day of the retreat. This wasn’t a complete surprise to me, to some extent I’d seen it coming. Nevertheless, I couldn’t go home without playing 'our song' and sharing a few words with the rest of the group.
Chocolate has been with me for my entire life. We’ve been inseparable for most of that time, even though I tried to leave a few times, I always went back. We split up for three months in 2022 and decided to try again; things haven’t been good between us since.
My first memories of hanging out with chocolate are from my childhood days, when we would play together, or meet up at parties. We loved playing ‘pass the parcel’. Chocolate was my best friend. Then, when things got really bad between mum and me, we would meet on the way home from school at ‘Sweetie Margaret’s’, in exchange for silver and copper coins. One birthday, maybe my 13th or 14th, Sweetie Margaret (so-called because we knew three Margarets and this one owned the local sweet shop), gave me an industrial size box of 48 Cote d’Or praline “bouchees”. I scoffed these alone in my bedroom, easily six at a time. Chocolate was loyal and never let me down in giving me the sweetness that didn’t exist at home.
In later years Chocolate lived with me, never complaining about being kept out of sight in a kitchen cupboard. Communicating telepathically, we both knew where to find each other. We had a secret affair lasting decades.
In the past year the excitement and anticipation of our nightly assignations began to wear off. Chocolate became cruel and resentful and began to hurt me and do me harm. Nobody saw this happen. Nobody tried to stop the damage and I always went back for more. I stayed in this abusive relationship with Chocolate because I felt i wouldn’t survive without it, even though Chocolate was making me fat and ruining my health and well being. Love turned to shame.
I invited Chocolate to come with me to Combe Grove on a metabolic health Food Addiction retreat. I couldn’t bear the thought of going alone. Chocolate knew that it wouldn’t be seen and that I’d be talking about it behind its back.
Something happened on the first night. I saw Chocolate as the abuser it truly is and how, through coercive control of my biochemistry, that it had hi-jacked me and taken my Will hostage. We had a talk that night and I whispered that I didn’t need or want it anymore. Chocolate tried to seduce me the second night, but I was no longer willing to fall for the old tricks and fake charms.
Chocolate died of a heart attack on the morning of 16 March 2024. Nobody heard it snap. In the end, chocolate went quietly, and it’s passing is a liberation.
**************************************************************************************
The M&S hazelnut praline chocolate bar that I smuggled into Combe Grove was buried on Sunday 17 March in a ceremony attended by everyone in the group. We jumped on its grave.
https://combegrove.com/food-addiction-retreat-options/
The lyrics for the song ‘Sweet Like Chocolate’ have taken on a whole other meaning since being one of my favourite songs in 1999, a time when I was head over heels in love - see link above in the text.
Well done! Very happy for you!
Love this! Very cleverly written. And I am right there with you on this journey, I quit sugar ten days ago. And this time it’s going much better than before. Last week I had a somatic therapy session and since then I’ve not had any sweet cravings, it’s been amazing. That retreat you went to sounds awesome. Cheering you on from across the big pond, we can do this! 🥰